I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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