nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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