I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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