The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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