I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
