You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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