Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
