90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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