Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
