hotel room ftw
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
