Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
