I wish I could punch you in the face.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
