M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
