I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
