he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
