everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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