The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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