If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
