Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
