my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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