he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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