So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
