Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
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So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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