He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
