I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
