My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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