How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
