I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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