I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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