my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
youre lurking in front of me
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
