He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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