Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
