Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban