Swine flu is the new snow day.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
