if i can run in heels then i can drive
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
