It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
