I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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