I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Randomize
