I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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