I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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