please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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