I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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