I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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