My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
