i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
