69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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