Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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