The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
