i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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