Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
