Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize