It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
