Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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