Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
