i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
