i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
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The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
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It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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