Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
