My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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